Understanding People Through the Lens of Kindness

By Joy Bundy

“How much more is this individual going though?”

Recently I had a situation where a client did NOT want to deal with the “secretary.” He wanted to talk directly with the therapist.

I understand; sometimes it can be frustrating dealing with the “middle man.” I will admit, while I stayed calm and kept my cool, there was a part of me that actually felt a bit offended.

I reviewed in my head previous conversations. I tried to think of what I possibly could have said or done to have created a situation in which he didn’t want to speak to me—just the therapist. And then I took a step back, well, many steps back. 

It took me a while to process, but I came to the conclusion: it’s not me, it’s you. There wasn’t anything I could have done differently. It wasn’t my fault. This individual was dealing with a lot in his life, and he was just frustrated.

It’s not the first time that I’ve had an unpleasant encounter on the phone that was unforeseen or unprompted by anything that I did; however, this one got under my skin. But, in my stepping-back process, I realized that if this was bothering me, how much more is this individual going through?

In an optimal world, everything goes smoothly I will be polite, and you will respond in turn. But this isn’t an optimal world. And if we have learned anything from 2020, the world is getting less optimal by the day. Things aren’t working out as they should. Things are downright crazy at times. 

Sometimes people just have bad days and lash out.

That doesn’t make the interaction my fault, and it doesn’t mean they’re an awful person. 2020 has been hard financially, mentally, and physically on everyone.

We’re all struggling through this uncertain COVID-19 time, and it is uncharted territory for all of us. Sometimes a little thing is just enough to make us break.

The takeaway? We need to give each other a little more space and extend some grace.    

I had to step back and process to avoid making the Fundamental Attribution Error. Saul McLeod discusses this very phenomenon in his article. The individual who was frustrated and not wanting to talk to me isn’t a bad person. He’s going through some bad circumstances right now, and I need to give him more room instead of becoming offended. This has an application for dealing with co-workers, family members, the people we encounter at the grocery store, and, of course, driving in traffic!!

In an era where everyone has answers and opinions on everything, admitting that there’s more going on in the lives of others that we don’t know or understand is a step in the right direction. We’re not going to recover from 2020 with a snap of the fingers, but there are little things we can be doing each day to help our fellow human. We can start by keeping things in perspective that everyone is going through something, and when we’re dealing with those with mental health issues, even more so.

As a mental health virtual assistant, I need to get out of my own way, learn not to take things so personally, and continue to extend compassion, knowing that I did everything I could to make it a pleasant interaction, but sometimes, that’s just not enough, but that’s okay; I still care.

I understand that people have bad days, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I’ll still be kind. And I hope that kindness will make a difference to ease some of the difficult situations you’re going through. That’s why I do what I do, and it’s a privilege.